I wrote this four years ago, already over a year into this process. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever share it. I’d go back and forth, hoping it might be helpful for someone and worried that people would think adoption was a second choice, when it’s always been our plan even before we knew what a struggle getting pregnant would be. But I wanted to share what it felt like in the long middle. This was written before we started the adoption process as well – but the statement stands – the only way children get to us is through grace.
I see your pregnancy announcement on Facebook – it says you’re blessed, that God saw fit to give you a baby, little workout buddy, a/another surprise baby, a we just got married and clearly haven’t figured out birth control baby. You say we’re blessed, we’re chosen to be parents, and we are recipients of God’s gifts. #blessed
I will probably unfollow you, because it’s easier. Because I do believe that children are a blessing, gifts from God – I just struggle with saying that you are blessed. I think you reside at the corner of grace and luck. That when you say ‘blessed’ the opposite has to be cursed, un-chosen – value laden words that land too heavily on an already heavy heart.
If we ever get pregnant and decide to write an announcement about it, I’m going to say, we have found ourselves at the intersection of grace and luck. Luck because the fact that everything worked out at just the right time, in just the right way is lucky. The fact that we’ve been poked and prodded and tested and medicated is just more and better preparation to be lucky – upping our chances so that someday luck might be in our favor.
And grace because that’s the only way any of us get here. It is incredible how many things have to go correctly for a baby to get here and how many things can go wrong along the way. I know so much more about this process than I once did and at one point my husband exclaimed – how did the human race ever continue?! Grace & luck.
I do not believe we are un-blessed, though we are unlucky and there are days I certainly feel cursed. We did not win the fertility lottery though there are always worse odds. So we reside in the middle of that – the intersection of grace and humility. The grace to know that God is no less present with us, maybe even more present in our pain, because we serve a God like that. Or as Rich Mullins wrote, “So if I stand let me stand on the promise, that You will pull me through, And if I can’t, let me fall on the grace, that first brought me to You.” Humility because we know, in every once of our beings that we are not in control; especially of our bodies. Humility because we know that as far as we get in this process we are being carried on prayers, encouragement, and the wisdom of doctors and nurses. Humility because no matter what happens, I will take none of this for granted. I will never laugh at your “best oops ever” onesie, and if you tell me you scheduled your pregnancy to have a baby in a specific month I might lose it. But then I will try my best to retreat quickly back into grace and humility.
I hope and pray that that humility leads to more grace. So that however you get to us, future child of ours, you will reside in grace and peace. The grace that will be you – an unmerited gift; a blessing that says nothing about our being blessed or worthy or chosen and everything about a God of grace who only gives good gifts. I pray that you will live in peace, knowing that you were and are wanted beyond measure. That however you make your way to us, you were so longed for and prayed for.
We have yet to find ourselves on the corner of grace and luck, but we’ve been walking on grace for a while now, so we’re hoping it’ll intersect soon. Until then I will ‘like’ your pregnancy announcements and pray for your families and cringe at some of the wording that is thrown around in regard to babies and pregnancies. And I will look for the people who are also walking this road we’re on, looking for the corner of grace and luck, and we will try to be, and share, grace to each other along the way.